In this episode, we dive into one of the most delicate yet essential discussions families need to have: aging and finances. It’s not just about planning for the future—it’s about ensuring clarity and peace of mind for everyone involved. Many parents assume their children are only interested in their inheritance, while adult children are more focused on logistics—whether their parents are financially secure, who will make decisions, and what kind of support will be needed.
At the same time, adult children often think their parents only want to talk about maintaining independence or that they’re unwilling to discuss financial matters. In reality, many parents want to share their wishes but struggle with how much detail to provide. Some are hesitant because they fear their preferences may be ignored or overridden. Others want to pass on their financial values, ensuring their wealth is used to support family members or causes they care about.
The key to bridging these communication gaps is to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than control. Keeping discussions casual and starting with shared goals—like ensuring the family is prepared—can help ease tension. If starting the conversation feels awkward, using a real-life example (or even a made-up one) can make it more natural. A financial professional can also be a valuable resource in facilitating these discussions, helping to clarify complex topics like estate planning and long-term care preferences. Amy explains how this might work.
A structured yet informal family meeting with a financial advisor can ensure that everyone understands the financial landscape, responsibilities, and expectations. Whether it’s deciding who will handle the bills, managing digital assets, or simply settling who gets a sentimental ceramic cat, these discussions help eliminate surprises and prevent misunderstandings down the road.
The bottom line: these conversations don’t have to be overwhelming. By starting small, approaching with curiosity, and focusing on shared goals, families can navigate aging and financial planning with confidence. And if it all feels too daunting, professionals like Amy Walls at Thimbleberry Financial are available to help guide the process.
Navigating Family Conversations About Aging and Finances
[Music Playing]
Jon Gay (00:08):
Welcome back to Thimbleberry, I'm Jon Jag Gay. I'm joined by Amy Walls with Thimbleberry Financial. Big topic today, Amy.
Amy Walls (00:15):
(Chuckles) Yes, it is, Jag.
Jon Gay (00:15):
Okay, we're talking about aging and finances, and it's not just about planning for the future, it's about creating clarity and peace of mind for everyone involved. Oh, this one hits home for me.
Today, we're diving into how families can have these important conversations in a way that strengthens relationships and ensures everyone is on the same page.
Amy Walls (00:40):
Ding, ding, ding, ding (laughs).
Jon Gay (00:41):
I read that last sentence slowly and deliberately for a reason. We're going to explore what parents and adult children think the other one wants to know, and how that differs from reality. And we're going to talk about ways to have positive, productive conversations.
Amy Walls (00:57):
Yeah, it could be a heavy topic, but we're going to try to keep it light. And I do think it is such an important topic. As people are aging, they've got things on their mind, and if they've got children, they still love their children and want to take care of them, and the adult kids want to know their parents are taken care of, but they're also busy with their lives.
And so, there's a lot of opportunity for miscommunication and hurt feelings and misunderstandings and stress. So, hopefully, we can help people put some of that to rest.
Jon Gay (01:32):
Alright, so let's start on this side of it. When parents think about talking to their adult kids about finances, what do they typically assume the kids are most curious about?
Amy Walls (01:44):
I like this question, Jag. Obviously, my experience is based on my experience, so I don't mean to paint people with a big paintbrush and say, “This is how it is.”
But my experience is that many aging parents believe their kids are mostly focused on their inheritance: “How much am I going to get?” My conversations sometimes also show that they're assuming their kids want reassurance that everything is taken care of and that they don't need to worry.
Jon Gay (02:15):
Okay, now, what do the adult children actually want to know?
Amy Walls (02:19):
So, again, experience: the adult kids, most often what I hear, their biggest concern is logistics.
Jon Gay (02:26):
Yeah.
Amy Walls (02:27):
Are my parents financially secure? If something happens, do I know what they want done? From big things like when should they move out of their house, to who's keeping the ceramic cat that Great Grandma Eloise got on a trip to wherever (laughs).
Jon Gay (02:50):
Oh my God, I can't believe you used that analogy. My mom has so many ceramic cats. Of all things for you to pick, Amy, I can't believe you went with that.
(Laughter)
Amy Walls (02:59):
I think ceramic cats are a thing (laughs).
Jon Gay (03:03):
I guess so, I guess so. (Laughs) Alright, let me try to recover here, I knew this was going to hit home for me today. What else do the kids actually want to know?
Amy Walls (03:13):
They also want to know who is responsible for decision-making, and what kinds of support their parents might need as they age. I think they're often afraid that they don't know the whole story. They don't really know where their parents are at in this aging process, how they're really coping with it physically or mentally, and they're worried about that.
And I think ultimately, what we're coming to is that these aging parents and adult kids may not realize that they're actually working in their own ways with the information they have because they don't know what they don't know, towards the same goal, which is financial confidence and peace of mind.
Jon Gay (03:53):
That's a really good point. Let me flip it around, what do the adult children typically assume their parents want to talk about?
Amy Walls (04:00):
Many of them think their parents only want to discuss their independence: “Like I am independent, I am driving, I am doing the things, don't try to stop me,” and how their parents want to stay in control of all of those decisions.
Others assume that their parents have built a brick wall around talking to them about finances, and talking to them about their preferences.
Jon Gay (04:26):
That's a very fair point, and I think I've fallen into a little bit of that assumption too, of thinking they only want to talk about their independence and based on my own personal experience.
What do the parents actually want to share with their adult kids?
Amy Walls (04:41):
So, many aging parents seem to want to communicate their wishes, but they're reluctant or hesitant to do so because they don't know how much detail is necessary, and they don't know what's applicable also.
Many want their kids to know that they have a plan in place and some (I don't know if it's all) want to discuss their long-term care preferences. And why I say some, but not necessarily all is from my conversations with older adults, they are concerned that others may try to override their desires, and they just want to avoid that.
Be feeling forced to give into what someone else wants versus keeping their preferences or feeling that they have to argue or fight for the life they want.
Jon Gay (05:37):
Okay, that makes sense.
Amy Walls (05:38):
Some also really want to share (and I love this) their values around money. It's something that we see frequently that how they accumulated money and how they've chosen to spend, there were very strong feelings about how they grew or retained wealth they were given, and they think there's educational elements in those values that they want to pass on. They hope that wealth will do certain things for their family or causes that they care about.
Jon Gay (06:17):
We've talked about in previous episodes how you kind of learn your values or views around money sometimes from your folks, but you don't want to make any assumptions here because they may feel, “I earned the money this particular way, this is how I would like it dispersed when the time is ripe.” It may be to kids, it may be to grandkids, it may be to charities, and you're not going to know unless you have that conversation.
Amy Walls (06:39):
Absolutely, Jag.
Jon Gay (06:40):
So, it really is less about who gets what and more about making sure everyone's prepared, aligned, and like you said earlier, on the same page.
Amy Walls (06:47):
Exactly. Let's avoid surprises and hurt feelings.
Jon Gay (06:51):
All those hurt feelings.
Alright, since parents and kids are often asking different questions, what is the best way to start this often-difficult conversation?
Amy Walls (07:02):
Yeah, often small, starting with some small things that you can get some alignment on. Just like any area where business setting or other life settings where you aren't sure you may be on the same page, find some shared goals. We all want to make sure our family is prepared and supported because we won't be here forever.
Jon Gay (07:24):
Sure.
Amy Walls (07:25):
Also, keeping it casual. Imagine trying to have a conversation around something that has a lot of tension and making it a big deal. We're going to have this big formal dinner and we're going to sit down and have this conversation, everyone comes in jittery.
Those small conversations maybe can just kind of happen “impromptu.” Maybe it's planned, I want to bring this up, but I'm just going to bring up this little thing to see where we're at and see if we can have some buy-in on this and talk about it gently.
Another good way is to approach it with curiosity rather than control.
Jon Gay (08:03):
I like that.
Amy Walls (08:04):
Instead of Jag, if you're my aging parent, “What have you done about a will?”
Jon Gay (08:11):
(Laughs).
Amy Walls (08:12):
“Do you have one? Why not?”
“Dad, I'd love to understand what's important to you as you plan for the future, are you open to talking with me about that?”
Jon Gay (08:23):
I like that. And again, this is so difficult because there's so much emotion tied to money as we've talked about hundreds of times in the show before. If someone does feel awkward about this, yes, casual is a good idea, but if someone feels awkward and doesn't know where to start, what would you tell them?
Amy Walls (08:40):
You could use a recent event as a conversation starter, even if you make up the recent event.
Jon Gay (08:46):
I was just thinking that-
Amy Walls (08:47):
This is not lying (laughs). So, an example might be, “I was recently talking to a friend who had to step in for their parents financially, and it made me think …”
Talking about values first might be a great way to approach it, because I don't think there's many of us who want to attack someone else for their values. So, in approaching it that way, you can make the money discussion feel more natural.
“You really taught me mom and dad about the importance of giving. As you think about the rest of your lives, have you or are you set up to give so that you feel you've done what aligns with your values?”
And Jag, you've alluded to this and it's so true. It's so hard to find the right words, especially when you anticipate through these stories we tell ourselves (thank you Brené Brown for that) – so tough to find the right words and get out of the stories we've told ourselves.
So, sometimes, and as a financial advisor, I do this for clients. You can have a financial professional help guide the conversation, be actually involved in the conversation.
Now, that may not sound as casual is what we alluded to earlier, but maybe it starts casually and, “Hey, what if we just have a family meeting and our financial advisor helps guide some of this conversation so that we all have a better idea of what you need or what to expect?”
In fact, we have created a guide of questions that both sides commonly have or commonly want to know, and it can be a great place to start because typically, each side thinks the other side wants to know or wants to communicate something different.
Jon Gay (10:45):
And if you're interested in that guide, Amy's contact information will be at the end of the show. You can reach out to her and ask her for it.
So, at what point, Amy, should that financial professional step in to help facilitate the conversation?
Amy Walls (10:56):
I don't know if there's a specific point in time at which a financial professional should step in, but I think there's lots of opportunities where they can step in.
So, for us, it's when our aging clients want to share some financial details or financial preferences with their adult children, and they're just not certain that if they do it on their own, they will feel heard.
Jon Gay (11:20):
I see, okay.
Amy Walls (11:22):
It may also be that they know they don't have all the right words. So, for example, estate planning is complicated. Not everyone has financial education, so oftentimes, people use incorrect language and terms there that can lead to confusion.
People feel that maybe they aren't as strong in that area or that their children may not be as strong in that area, a third party may be really good because since they don't have the emotions tied, they can hear differently what each person is saying and actually hearing.
Jon Gay (12:00):
I like that a lot.
Amy Walls (12:01):
And see where that connects and where there's disconnect. I think also when there are just complex financial structures, that's a great time to get a financial professional involved. Complex things might be certain kinds of trusts or gifting strategies that really do warrant clarification and understanding.
Jon Gay (12:19):
Absolutely. Okay, so you've kind of explained when you would want to involve that financial professional. What does a family meeting with a financial professional actually look like?
Amy Walls (12:31):
It could probably look a lot of different ways; I can speak to what we do. Really, the purpose is about getting a structured, yet casual positive space for open conversation. The goal isn't just to share numbers, but I will say that most often some amount of information is going to be shared around, “This is our current financial situation” because most often this is the aging parent who's saying, “Yep, it's time to have this conversation.”
And so, it's about how much they're willing to get into the weeds and want to get into the weeds. Why I say that's often first, even at a high level, is to try to get the question of, “Are my parents even going to financially be okay” out of the way.
Jon Gay (13:19):
That makes sense.
Amy Walls (13:20):
Because it's hard to absorb the rest if an adult child is sitting there thinking, “But are they okay? Are their assets going to last? Do I need to step in financially?” Those questions keep them from hearing the rest of the conversation.
And then really, we're trying to make sure everybody leaves with more clarity and confidence, and even action items as to who's helping with what, whether that's simple things like putting up Christmas lights.
Parents don't feel like it's Christmas without the Christmas lights, and yet they don't have someone to do that, or they're not safe and they are getting up on a ladder and doing it where everybody says, “Yeah, we want Christmas to be a great experience for you, and without the Christmas lights up, it's not going to be.”
Alright, obviously, I'm picking something really simple here to something more complex like parents, “If one of you can't pay the bills and your dynamic is that only one of you pays it now and the other one doesn't know how that happens, how are we stepping in? How are we going to do that? Where are the passwords?”
“Oh, the passwords are on a password protected computer, on a password protected Excel document.”
“Well, how are we going to get the passwords? Can we help facilitate this? How are we going to know where all of your accounts are?”
I mean, that's a lot of detail, but that's the kind of thing that a lot of times people need.
Jon Gay (14:45):
Yeah, you may not necessarily know what you don't know or what you need to discuss, and having that professional to sort of guide you through that conversation can really be helpful.
Amy Walls (14:53):
We should add one more thing; it's what I said earlier, who is getting the ceramic cat from Great Grandma Eloise? And if it's important to you that one of us kids keeps it, we need to know that.
Jon Gay (15:09):
(Chuckles) We brought it full circle to the ceramic cats before we wrap up.
Amy, my biggest takeaway here is that these conversations, they don't have to be overwhelming or difficult. We can laugh about ceramic cats as the day is long. They really are about making sure families are prepared and that everyone feels confident moving forward, right?
Amy Walls (15:26):
Absolutely. It's starting small, approaching things with curiosity (including the ceramic cats) and focusing on those shared goals. And if it feels like it's too much to tackle alone, whether you are the aging parent or you are the kid saying, “I am overwhelmed, I'm frozen with fear of where my parents are at,” these are conversations that your financial professional likely can help with.
And having these conversations, it helps facilitate our clients so that they get the life they want, which is the whole purpose of financial planning.
Jon Gay (16:01):
Absolutely. So, if somebody wants to contact you and your team for help regarding these issues at Thimbleberry Financial, or even that list of questions that adult children and their parents should be asking each other, how do they best find you at Thimbleberry Financial?
Amy Walls (16:13):
Yeah, they can find us online at thimbleberryfinancial.com or by giving us a call at (503) 610-6510.
[Music Playing]
Jon Gay (16:23):
Really important stuff, Amy, and without revealing too much about my own family dynamics, a lot of that hits home for me today. Take care, we'll talk again in a couple of weeks.
Amy Walls (16:31):
Talk to you then, Jag.
Voiceover (16:32):
Securities offered through registered representatives of Cambridge Investment Research, Inc, a broker dealer, member of FINRA/SIPC, advisory services through Cambridge Investment Research Advisors, Inc, a registered investment advisor. Cambridge and Thimbleberry Financial are not affiliated.
Discussions in this show should not be construed as specific recommendations or investment advice. Always consult with your investment professional before making important investment decisions.
Securities offered through registered representatives of Cambridge Investment Research, Inc, a broker dealer, member FINRA/SIPC, advisory services through Cambridge Investment Research Advisors, Inc, a registered investment advisor. Cambridge and Thimbleberry Financial are not affiliated.